Tristan

static

2008-03-24T20:49:31Z

I've been sitting in a still form in a time lapse shot.
As bodies blur in the gray forms I can only see the smallest imperceptible twitches that often mean nothing.
My slightest movement means nothing to the gray forms,
the forms push about the day with velocity that each of us know well.
but I can't move,
I can't seem to take shape beyond what is already mine,
because now I am at fault for something that I only shaped around,
and now my life's shaping is beyond my control.

w(right)e

2008-03-24T20:47:25Z

I'm supposed to be writing an essay.
I'm supposed to be writing an essay so I can have my imbeciles for classmates 'critique' it.
I'm supposed to be writing an essay,
but I'd rather be writing in here.

I'm listening to the Decemberist's play 'I was meant for the stage'.
I'm only thinking of how 'I was meant for the page'.
But now all that decides my future is blood spattered on the pavement.

We had just pressure washed the concrete the night before,
cigarette butts and Corona bottle caps pushed by the water;
and now the blood runs unfettered from dirt about the floor,
seeping in the cracks that emanate like the crown of the Statue of Liberty from his head.

Eventually ringing about the drain,
to drip in that ominous plodding sound,
as if a man in a dark shroud drew nearer.

sublimerequiem @ 2008-01-06T15:09:00

2008-01-06T23:12:16Z

Another year goes by

1. Was 2007 a good year for you?
It was not a good year, but I wouldn't say it was bad. Certainly not good.

2. What was your favorite moment of the year?
Vietnam. Memphis. Lynden.

3. What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Daniel's death and the addiction that preceded it.

4. What are your plans for 2008?
Continue on with my major, keep the pace I worked at the end of the semester, and maybe study abroad.

5. What countries did you visit?
Vietnam. Mexico.

6. What date in 2007 will remain etched in your memory?
Halloween. Daniel's death.

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting a 3.1 GPA at the end of the semester, that and becoming a brother of LXA and now High Kappa.

8. What was your biggest failure?
The first half of the semester. The descent into addiction. The frustration over the loss of a friend.

9. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
Exhaustion, and the lowered immune system that follows.

10. What was the best thing you bought?
My hookah, Blue Moon.

11. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
M.'s, Mine, Dee's, and Bridgit Palitz

12. Where did most of your money go?
Drugs, food, shows.

13. What did you get really really really excited about?
Vietnam.

14. What songs will always remind you of 2007?
"Couches in Alleys" by Styrofoam ft. Ben Gibbard, "Crane Wife 1 & 2" and "Crane Wife 3" by the Decemberists

15. Compared to this time last year are you:
a) Fatter or thinner? Thinner
b) Happier or sadder? Sadder
c) Richer or poorer? Poorer

16. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing. Reading. Hooking Up.

17. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Drugs.

18. How will you be spending Christmas?
Reading.

19. Which LJ/MySpace users did you meet for the first time?
Kristin Skliba.

20. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Nope.

21. How many one night stands?
6?

22. What was your favorite TV show?
Lost and Pushing Daisies

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Chris Gates. Sarah Bodwin. Bridgit Palitz.

24. What was/were the best books you read?
The Boy Detective Fails by Joe Meno, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore, Rant by Chuck Palahniuk

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Margot and the Nuclear So & So's

26. What did you want and get?
Books.

27. What did you want and not get?
For things to get better.

28. What was your favorite film this year?
Stranger than Fiction. Across the Universe. Vanilla Sky.

29. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I turned 19 and in the middle of Finals Week I saw Modest Mouse.

30. What one thing would have made your year more satisfying?
Less financial troubles.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Somewhere between lots of money and no money.

32. What kept you sane?
Emmercelle.

33. Which celebrity did you fancy the most?
Megan Fox. Shannyn Sossaman.

34. Which political issue stirred you the most?
Dont fucking care.

35. Who did you miss?
Daniel. Sam.

36. Did you treat somebody badly in 2007?
My family.

37. Did somebody treat you badly in 2007?
Not worth posting online.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned this year?
Kisses aren't contracts. More than that, my freshman year of college I'd experienced much, but now I'm learning from the cnosequences of my actions.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year
"I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah."

Shock Absorbers.

2006-07-27T18:35:40Z

Need to be replaced in this guys car.

I know this cause someone is having sex in it outside of my house. And its becoming terribly hard to read with the squeaking and moaning and groaning. Annoying quite really. I've been wondering how that conversation might have gone.

-"Geez, I'm sure horny, how about you (insert arbitrary girls name)?"
-"Why yes (insert arbitrary guys name, I am. In fact, so much so, lets go at it in this uncomfortable compact car on the street, so that the we can upset the rading habits of all insomniac neighbors nearby!"
-"What a splendid idea! By golly, lets have os much fun I need to get my car checked afterwards!"

Maybe something like that. Probably slurred due to the insane amount of alcohol used to sucker anyone, male or female, into doing that. To get the idea, while reading those lines out loud, pause for a moment to ponder your next words every fifth word, while taking your fingers and holding your tongue every third word. Then you should get the idea.

And my main reason for agitation? The fact that their midnight romp is upsetting my nightly reading habits, so one has to ask, who is the real sucker here?

-Elliott

Yargh

2006-03-30T06:33:07Z

I was told to write often. Even when it sucks. This sucks.

sublimerequiem @ 2005-12-21T18:23:00

2005-12-22T02:25:41Z

I have been recently coughing up a lung like a seasoned chain smoker.

Its this damn flu. You see, I was sick last week, but this cough I've developed wont seem to go away.

Screw that.

-Elliott

Wide Eyed

2005-12-15T04:37:06Z

But hardly awake. Sitting down, eyes open, my mind could be dead. Or in bed. But dead sounds far more likely. Today was uneventful, to an insane degree. Where I was expecting shopping for presents was me sitting in front of myt computer bored out of my mind. Mind. Mine. Its dead. Or in bed. As I should be. Both.

Tap

2005-12-12T06:00:26Z

I popped popcorn to pop into my mouth for some sustenance.
Its cold in this room, so coldplay fit in my mind, and in my room. But I see the faint writing on my hand, an essay that I was supposed to write. My impetus to write it fades as the ink slowly washes away from the back of my hand. I often awake each morning muttering to myself that I dont remember that there. Shows how well I know places. All that remains are the ink in the small craggy crevaces that line my hand. It looks barren, as if an oil river once covered this land, and slowly, because of rain and other forms of deluge, its going away, its receding to the deepest parts of the land. And now, because I am going into such depth with the back of my hand, maybe I know my way around better. That and I'm a retard.

Absurd

2005-12-11T19:20:45Z

I had probably the fastest dream ever. Well not necessarily fast, just moved quickly from place to place.
I had King Kong in my backyard.
The Exterminator who was sent in had me look at her (she was hot) chem notes?
The doodles on her notes turned into a comic of a book i'd read years ago.
This evil mask (which wasn't in the book though) was supposed to be entrancing, but it just sang the Pearl Jame rendition of "Hey You've go to hide your love away."
The comic became a movie that I was watching in some unknown theater with the people that were at a party I was at.
As I'd stepped out of the theater, I was on john's rooftop having a smoke.
and thats where I was. and all that could have been was.

White PVC Pipes.

2005-08-22T00:26:51Z

Behind white PVC pipes, I play music that needs no hype. Despite the bitterness from all sides over the supposed lack of attention their particular desires, I sit there. Normally propped up against the rough walls of the Counseling Center halls, with my sweet pair of Dolce and Gabbana's concealing my eyes, I sit there. Only punctuated my a quick lifting of myself up to change the sound level for that sweet exquisite sound, well to a few in the crowd. But lately, sitting back there, with mine own scratched due to the quite rough wall, no sound has been sweet. The only sound I often wish to hear is the tapping sounds of my closed blinds that lie above my bed, and the dull hum of my fan that is causing them to tap as I lie prostrate face down in my warm bed. But I am quickly snapped back to the present due to another angry complaint over the music, and, after a calm explanation of the music playlist, sit back down and allow my mind to wander to lazier things. But why the sudden laziness, or the daydreams about having real dreams in my bed? Why the desire to just forget my classes, go off to some park, and just dance with my friends on a concrete stage under some streetlight? Its not senioritis. If anyone dares to say senioritis I will stab them in the jaw. But enough of the sadistic violence. I guess its longing for a life that doesn't require 8 Years of rigorous study in college, maybe a life that doesn't require worry from random violence and fighting over damn turf or how much bigger my truck is than yours (and subtly how much smaller my ahem is). BUt while my mind mulls over all of this, someone else comes over, with another comment, and another explanation. So there I sit, thinking of life without high school, behind white pvc pipes.

-Elliott

Turn Around.

2005-07-05T05:39:27Z

Turn Around, and look at everything that you have behind you, or at least look at everything that once was. The old haunts. With the old ghosts. Or demons. Everything that you have gone through in high school defines you, who you emerge as from there is who are going to become. Now you may change your mind because people change decades after high school, but the mindset you are in at the end of high school defines whatever nuances may follow you.

So enough about the future. Lately, I have been just shuffling through my old yearbooks, and I am reading old signatures that meant more to me than "Have a great Summer!" and "2 Friends + 2gether= 4Ever!" I guess for us all, when we look back at the events and people in our past, there are moments that we cherish, moments that we remember with indifference, and moments we wish we never remembered in the first place. But in the end, all of which are worth remembering. With pages frequently turning, with my stomach churning, I look back at my old journals, with incoherent thoughts and overemphasized moments on feelings that I do not recall quickly, I tend to laugh at myself then.

With friendships moving in and out like the ebb and flow of the tide, where I have situated myself throughout high school has changed too. I remember some of the more quieter moments with fondness, riding the trolley and bus home from a day at the convention center with friends, eating Lolita's in my room quietly after a depressing night at a dance with two others, sitting staring at the moon on a quiet patio rooftop overlooking the resevoir and seeing how the moon reflected off the water.

I guess as much as all of the moments are in the past with those friendships, I recognize the significance they have had with me. Some friendships that have died in the past have been reborn in a Phoenix-like fury, some still lie in ashes. Some gone because of lack of communication, some gone due to lack of classes, others due to college, others due to be older. Whatever the reason, these friendship punctuate different phases of my life, and I dogear every moment with them, for they are more often than not friendships that I truly cherished at the moment.

So now, I guess after looking back at used to be, maybe I can revisit those old haunts with the ghosts that fill them without trepidation, rather excitement and enthusiasm. Exorcising these demons have left me with angels to guide me onto whatever path that I am supposed to take. So Turn Around, never know who you could be missing.

-Elliott

Mix of Me

2005-05-28T06:22:11Z

1) Pick a song you love that you want me to forever associate with you.
2) Upload it to yousendit.com.
3) Comment with the link.
4) Post this in your journal so you can make a mix that reminds you of the people on your friends list!

If you've never used yousendit, it's the easiest thing in the universe. Just put your own e-mail address in the e-mail address box, and voila. I think this meme is kind of fantastic. Do it. Do it.

-Elliott

A Simple Joy

2005-05-27T19:01:15Z

Something about the times when stress is lifted, just something about it. Its uncanny. When stress and complications lift and disappear, your mind and body makes some weird choices and starts leaning unconsciously toward different things. This is reflected in my current taste in music and my friendships.

In the past few years, the music tossed in my strereo or my iPod are soaked of complicated guitars, lyrics, and many other parts. Its great music, I frankly love it, but right now, I am finding myself roaming through old cds and MP3's on my computer and finding true joy and comfort in some simpler rock bands. Even Incubus at times is just too much for me right now. Unwritten Law has been a frequently played band, specifically the song "Save Me". The opening verse as well as those that follow just hit the spot:

"Had a bad day, don't talk to me,
gonna ride this out,
My little black heart, breaks apart,
with your big mouth.
And I'm sick of my sickness
Dont touch me, you'll get this.
I'm useless, lazy, perverted,
and you hate me."
"I went to heaven, couldn't get in,
For what I had done.
I said forsake me, you said you're crazy
you were too much fun."

Just the simpler rock vocals and writing, its strangely good and hits the spot, something that hasn't been done for a while. Eve 6 tends to pop up after such tracks, same for Foo Fighters, Nirvana, Semisonic, among others.

But my real point for bringing this up is that I am enjoyig simpler things with my friends. Simple moments of company, nothing complicated or big. After school on thursday is a great example of that. Being with Charlie and Ricardo being plain fatties while watchng a good film at my house, now thats a good time. Stuffing down Jo Jo's and eating fried chicken while viewing Jim Carrey's most moving work, thats simple. Playing basketball late at night with two of the whitest guys you'll ever meet, thats simple. Talking resignedly at the local chinese food place, thats simple. And me, sitting in my room reading or writing to the singing of a restrained Dave Grohl "Hello I've waited here for you.." thats simple. Thats me, thats what I need right now. Plain and simple joys.

-Elliott

Good days. Good nights.

2005-05-17T21:56:00Z

Recently I was chewed out by my parents for not coming home on time recently and staying out too late. But when I paused and considered why I had deserved such chastising remarks, I was only too fondly reminded of what wonderful nights I have been having. On a quiet Wednesday night, over some Fillipi's pizza and orange juice, a teary-eyed Charlie, a pillow-clutching Daniel, and a pizza-stuffing myself were intently watching Good Will Hunting, a first time viewing for Charlie and myself. That movie was an excellent film, but it left us wanting to leave Daniel's house in our own respectful ways "going to see about a girl".We stepped outside his house with intent to leave and wallow in our at times miserable and quiet lives, but a basketball got 'tween us and our journey home. We played some ball, in which I totally suck, but Daniel and Charlie were going at it. It was just a quietly beautitful thing, 3 white guys (well i'm half) trying to play basketball and failing miserably late at night. Ultimately we had to go, but as Charlie was about to drop me off we had a serious talk. I guess sometimes there was a level of just fear and uncertainty about the coming year.

The conclusion that he and I came to was that relationships with others now are either going to be trivial wastes of time or meaningful ones. Our fear is that the ones in between will become ingnored and just dropped, we have no desire to drop others and don't wish to be dropped either. The end is in sight now, and who we are going to cross the finish line with is going to be determined our senior year. And frankly, I take every step toward that end, not my high school goal, but my high school end, with an ever-growing sense of complete dread and fear over how we are all going to change or stay the same but moving away. So everything we do now is most likely how those around us will remember us. So I challenge everyone, including myself, end this period of your life with no regrets and nothing but smiles, because as much as you hate high school, college is still overrated.

-Elliott

Is it?

2005-05-03T05:09:57Z

Is it so impossible? I hope it isn't. I have been in a very confused mood lately, and I have been immersing myself in music, but nothing has made me feel better, or at least nothing has allowed me to roll on with life to the tune of a song. tih frequent cyclings of acting appalled (Circa Survive "Act Appalled"), remarking on the childishness of suicide (mewithoutYou "Leaves"), and falling through time, cause its so damn sublime (Daniel Riley "Fall Through Time"), I began to grow desperate and depressed. I couldn't find solace anywhere. This was an emotional ache for a musical massage. So I crawled into my bedding (note: I have no bed, sleep on the floor remember?), popped in my headphones, and hit shuffle on my iPod. I was scared, frightened, terrified, and troubled. The disease that rots my soul, I prayed, hopefully had not reached my musical love, has it? But suddenly, just as the cancerous apathy had almost seized my heart, some old strains of an acoustic guitar began, and an at times wimpy whiny voice began to affectionately sing "And so she said..."Chris Carabba's voice never felt so good. "So Impossible". A song of his that just brings me such hope and giddiness for the future. With the subtle lines speaking "And maybe my friend and your friend will hit it off? .....Or maybe... we will?" and "Do you, do you like dreaming of things so impossible?" and "But do you like long drives and brown eyes and guys that just don't quite fit in?" and ultimately "So, yes, I'll see you there." This song, although old, emo, and just completely junior high ish, bring back old school feelings of simple love and feelings of a uncomplicated tomorrow, with relationships beautiful in there simplicity and simple feelings. Gosh, if things were only so. But until then, I smile, because things no longer seem so impossible.

-Elliott

Reds, Grays, and Blacks, you awoke me

2005-04-21T04:26:20Z

I awoke from my sleep. I was deep within, was I? Everything was grays, reds, and blacks. Sitting up from my bed, the moon poured in, it was bright out for such a cold night, cold, cold, cold. You were outlined in white, but darkness surrounded you. You, this really was you, wasn't it? Yes, I couldn't forget. You clutched a bag in your hands, and slung it over your back. It was small; you were holding such a small bag. Was it your life in your hands? Is that why you took it and ran? But why so small? Why run? You smiled at me, your body outlines in midnight, your smile lighting up my heart. Was it a smile, or a grimace, maybe you did smile, but it was forced. You told me you had to leave, you sounded like your heart was broken. Broken, broke. I saw you walk out, I heard the door clatter shut, and I hadn't moved. I sat there, in the odd light of the black moon, my hands crimson and black, and I got up and ran after you. But you were gone. No, it wasn't your life in the bag, not it alone. When you left, you took my heart inside that small bag. That night, if it you could call it night, you closed the door behind you, and I, not knowing where you had gone, locked the door behind me.

New Beginnings

2005-04-06T06:27:32Z

This past weekend, has been a bit different for me. It has, I believe, opened up so many new horizons never before available to me in the past. New friends, new hobbies, new music. Everything new. Now I wouldn't go say that this has been a life-altering event, but it has changed things. Been dealt a new hand is one way to look at it. And I think I am truly lucky to be given such an opportunity.
-Elliott